One of the hardest decisions we have ever made.

I've thought many times about how I would write this.  There is no right way.
A few days ago I emptied out a purse that has a zipper that needs to be fixed.  Out fell coins from the US, Canada, Thailand and China. In my wallet right now I have money from Korea, China and the US.  But it will all be turned in next month for American money as we have decided it is time to return to the US.
There is no crisis, no marital issue, no family issue, no security issue.  We just think it is time to be back there and provide a home for our daughter as she starts college and to be closer to our extended family.
We are sad because we love China and we love the people here and the work we are doing.  But we do believe that we have made the right decision.  We will be moving to the Pacific Northwest to do some similar work.
Our little guy will stay with his ayi until his family comes., hopefully within the year. He stays there often and it's the least stressful transition for him.   Leaving him, of course, is the hardest thing and the thing that makes me sob several times a day.  But there will never be an easy time to leave him and we have always known that his time with us was not forever.  But his impact on our lives is forever. What a privilege to be part of his story.  As his adoption gets closer, it's good not to blog much about him to preserve his and his new family's privacy. But rest assured- he has an amazing future ahead of him.  When he actually gets to his family, I'll let you know with out letting you know who or where he will be.
I started this blog as a way to keep our friends and family updated about our lives.  It took on somewhat of a life of its own as we got the sweet baby and used it to advocate for him.  I'll keep blogging here until we end up in the US and then I will open a new blog about some of the things that are important to me.
China is an amazing place.  It's loud and alive. There are things that make me nuts and things that I love.  As a family, we are so glad we came.  It's been a privilege to be here. We came to serve and to learn and I think we accomplished that.
We have about a month here, a few weeks of transition and then a new start.  Our life is about to change dramatically-we won't be in China, we won't have our sweet baby and our daughter will start college.  Those are all things that involve grief and loss as well as joy.  Transitions are hard and this one has a lot of pain in it for us. We are excited about the next but right now we are deep in the losses.  We need to walk through the sadness before we can move on.
 Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

And she graduates......

Somehow we blinked and Elisabeth grew up and graduated from high school.  Our night started with dinner at the Sheraton.  Then each of the dad's stood up and talked to their sons or daughter in whatever language they chose.  It was very, very moving to hear the tenderness and love in the voices of these father's.

Trying not to choke up as her dad talked about her love for our little guy and for letting him into her life.

Each graduate got a class picture.

Many of our friends came.

Elisabeth really wanted our little guy to be there so he came too. He peed on me during the ceremony- poor diapering technique on our part!

They entered through the back to the traditional music.

and after speeches and getting their diploma's....they were actual high school graduates!

The yellow ribbon is for the National Honor Society and the medal is for the Honor Roll.

It was a good day...a Genesis moment for Elisabeth..and for us.

Sure, we are normal!

After the school play, the costumes needed to be washed.  These clothes were gorgeous- beautifully made from curtain fabric.  They also were heavy and because they were long, had to be washed one by one in our Chinese style washer.  They then were hung on our drying balcony.  I do sometimes wonder what our neighbors think...or maybe I don't want to know.

Our little guy desperately wants to go outside all!the!time!  So he put on a winter hat and got his shoes.  He is wearing his pajamas.  The funny thing is that I could have taken him out and no one would have even blinked!

Some of our favorite things- knitting and talking on the toy cell phone.  He loves cell phones and loves to pretend text and call.  I have many contacts in my phone with names like Xd7h or other randomness.

Yes, we like each other!

I love him!  Look at that face!

Studying for the HSK- Chinese proficiency test.

Apparently true love means you have to match.  This is his beloved ayi and the match was totally random.

Dancing with the (Chinese) Stars.

Slacker toddler

May you be blessed, Margaret Cho

Dear Margaret Cho,
I've never watched your comedy routines because they seem born out of sadness and anger and that doesn't appeal to me.  Because we don't live in the US, we don't get the 24 news cycle of who said what and did what and so on and I don't miss that.  But today a friend sent me a link where I read that you had said something along the lines of not wanting a baby at your age because you don't want a "retard."
And so, Margaret Cho, as the foster mother of a little boy that many people would consider a "retard"  because of his Down Syndrome, I wish for you some things.
Most of all, may you be blessed.  May you be blessed with a little boy that wakes up every day happy and enthusiastic to greet the day.  May you be blessed with a little boy who waves goodbye and blows kisses from his crib when it's time to go to sleep at night.  May you blessed with a little boy who sleep with his cute little but in the air.  May you be blessed with a little boy who wears footie pajamas with dinosaurs on them.
May you be blessed with a little boy who can't walk  alone at 2 and half because of some low muscle tone.  May you be blessed to hold his hand as he practices walking.  May you be blessed as you watch him speed crawl on the ground.  May you be blessed as you bounce him on a ball to increase his muscle tone so that he will walk.
May you blessed as many people in our community are as we walk around and he waves and says hi to everyone.  May you be blessed by a community of people who enthusiastically ask about your little boy and clap and cheer his every step.
May you be blessed by a little boy that likes to play tiger and put up his "claws" and roar.  May you be blessed as he plays with his stuffed animals tenderly and wraps them in blankets and rocks them.  May you be blessed as he sings and claps to music.
May you be blessed as he plays cars and trains and throws balls.  May you be blessed as he screams his head off during a bath.  May you be blessed as he throws food on the ground from his high chair. May you be blessed as he pulls your hair...hard.
May you be blessed by the sweetness that pours out of this little boy and the open heart of love that he has.
Maybe you be blessed as you look at this little boy at night and know how lucky you are to have him...for us just a few years until he goes to his forever family.
May you be blessed Margaret Cho and may you learn from this experience that words are never just words and that labels hurt and destroy. May you be blessed.

18 years of waking my daughter up.

Wednesday was the last day of actual high school for Elisabeth.  Finals are finished and grades are complete.  Yesterday she took off on a 30 hour train for Xi'An with the high school.  She comes back next Tuesday, has a half day at school on Wednesday and then graduates at the Sheraton on Wednesday night.
It occurred to me on Wednesday that it was my last day of waking her up for school.  Let me just say "Hallelujah."  Elisabeth has never been an early riser.  Even when she was a baby, she slept late (take note, Mr. 5 AM riser foster son).  Every day is pressing and prodding and often raised voices. Not fun.
The other day, we sent Mr. Early Riser to wake her up.  You can see how successful that was.

Cute though he is and despite mutual love, he was not enthusiastically received as an alarm clock (I have no idea why he was drinking water in her bed).

I've told her that in college, she can not sign up for early classes.  There will be no long distance phone calls to get her out of bed.

He knows his name...

I've been thinking about names lately and today I read this quote on another blog from David Platt, the author of Radical.  We saw a DVD of David Platt preaching yesterday and it was powerful.  Here is the quote

We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes 

The thing is, we don't know our little guy's name.  We don't know the name that his parents gave him.  We don't know what they wrote on the hospital form before they had to/choose to/who knows why they walked away.  We don't know.  We know the name he has now- the same last name as everyone in the orphanage.  His name is one chosen by the orphanage.  For us it has meaning as his name means "treasure" and he is such a treasure.

We call him lots of things- the sweet baby (because oh, this little guy is sweet).  We call him "Monkey Boy" because he has gotten so active.    We have chosen to keep his Chinese name rather than a Western name for two reasons. One- we thought that his future would be in China and he he would need to keep his Chinese name.  Two-if the possibility for adoption opened up, we thought his forever family should choose his name.

But the name his parents chose...maybe full of hope at this son's birth- we will never know that name.  Somewhere out there are parents who know his name and I feel so sad at what they are missing with their sweet little son. 

When his forever family comes, he will get their name- a name that identifies him uniquely as part of his new family.  That is a wonderful thing.

Several years ago we worked at a camp way to the north of us.  While we were there, the kids sang this song a lot.

He knows my name

I have a maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hand

Chorus
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me his own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

Chorus
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yROBWzGXy4

In speaking to Israel (and also to us)

But now thus says the LORD,

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

(Isaiah 43:1 ESV)

So fear not, our sweet baby,  You have a name and a future.  The most important One knows you and knows your name.  You are a treasure to us...and to your family that is coming soon.

Tears

Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are but, more often than not, God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go to next.

Fredrick Buechner

We are in the season of endings.  Our daughter will graduate from high school in a few weeks.  Now that we know our little guy will be adopted, we are preparing ourselves to  let him go.  The endings lead to wonderful beginnings- a future and a hope for both of them.  But that doesn't lessen the pain of good-bye- it only gives the good-bye meaning.  For me, there are many tears these days- some unexpected, some at the usual times.  My heart is really aching.

The last choir concert.  I made it through the high concert but when the middle schoolers started singing "Can You Feel the Love tonight" from the Lion King, I started bawling.

Little Women

The school play with the usual multi-lingual instructions at the beginning - English/Chinese/Korean

Please turn off your cell phones, take out crying children, no flash photography.

Elisabeth as Marmee

Marmee and Jo-international casting!  Marmee's daughters were African-American, Korean and Filipina!  Mr. March was Korean.

After the show, the cast was called up and the Seniors came forward.

Their amazing director spoke to them as this was their last play.  This led to much sobbing from mother's in the audience, including me.

And then they danced....

and danced....in hoop skirts!

A joyful ending to a emotional moment.