Thursday, March 17, 2011

Grief


I love these two children.  One, the child of my body and heart.  Much wanted, much longed for, much waited for.
The other unexpectedly came into our life.  He is much wanted, much loved, such a wonderful addition to our lives.
We always knew there would be a goodbye to both of them.  In a year and a half, college for the first.
For our sweet baby, our hope was to a forever family who could love him forever.  Our whole mindset has been to get him ready for a family.

However, we now know that he will not be able to be adopted some day.  It's very complicated- a mix of laws, and culture and views of Down Syndrome and so on.  His life will be here in long term foster care.
Is this a bad solution for him?  If it works well, no.  We love this country and so much of its culture.  People are kind to children, indulgent.  He could end up staying with a family for a very long time.  But we don't know.  It's the uncertainty of his future that makes this so painful.
We will keep him as long as we can.  When it's the right time to make the transition,  we will help him along the way.  Other people will follow up on him.  He is still young and can adapt.  We have tried all the resources available - Reece's Rainbow, Rainbow kids, blogs and China adoption message boards.  But the no is from this country end and that can not be overcome.
Honestly, it's just killing me.  We adore him.  He has made such a major impact in all of our lives, teaching us about love and sacrifice and the Father's love for orphans.  We still love this country and culture and it's people.  It is certainly not that we think China can not take care of its children.  But adoption is rare here and special needs adoption is even rarer.  Our hope was for adoption.  But for now, it's a no.
We are very tired.  The last few months have really take a toll on us in many ways.  Many things in our lives right now are just tough.  I am going to take a blogging break for a while and try to recoup.  I can't write anything happy or feature anything unusual about living here.  I just need to be sad and spend time with my family.

27 comments:

The Journey... said...

I'm so sorry to hear that China has said no to your foster son's adoption eligibility. I've read your blog for a while now, and I kept hoping for a different outcome. I considered adopting from China, but I couldn't because I am single and China wouldn't allow it, but then just this week China reversed their decision on single parent adoption. I hope this positive change will lead to other positive changes, and that someday, you little one will have a forever family.

I'll keep you in my thoughts as you grieve, and I'll keep hope that this decision will be reversed.

michelle said...

a big hug for you Sandy - i've learn a lot through reading your blog; you are amazing mom and never fail to touch my heart with your sharing. May our Father surround you with his love and grace.

Jennifer said...

Hello, I have been following your blog for a while, and am so sorry to hear about your little foster baby. It's strange how the laws work there sometimes. My husband grew up in China as an ex-pat, and we are close family friends with the folks at Phillip Hayden Foundation. They have an orphanage just outside of Beijing. You may want to contact them because they have a long history with Chinese adoptions and may have some sway with the authorities there and have placed many children in good homes. You can email me for more details if you wish. I personally have always wanted to adopt a child with Down Syndrome, so your situation is very close to my heart. I don't know if we are at that point in our lives right now though.

At any rate, you might look into the Phillip Hayden Foundation, I can give you contact info if you like. I also know of another orphanage that has found much favor which is outside Beijing in Qin Yuan Dian. It's a wonderful facility. sharpefamily0824 at sbcglobal dot net. Blessings to you and your family.

Jennifer

Pam Terrell said...

If it's any consolation at all, I'm being sad and bearing your burden with you. My heart is heavy and you all are in my prayers.

Alida said...

My prayers will be with you and your family. I cannot imagine all that you have gone through and are going through. Much love to you all as you rest and take some time to grieve.

Monica said...

Feeling sad with you. Perhaps God still has something special in store for little man. Praying on this end for your family and this precious child.

Hunan Mommy said...

I am the mother of a special needs adoption from China and have followed your blog for awhile. This was in the back of my head each time I read your blog, hoping for a different outcome. You are in my thoughts as you grieve. Take care.

Sharon Ankerich said...

I am very sad for you! I know how much you love this baby!!! I pray you can take time to love, grieve, and heal. Bless you during this time. You are in my prayers!!!
XO

Sharon said...

I just want to let you know how much you journaling on your blog about your life/time in China has been such a blessing to me! I'm sorry to hear about all the road blocks at this time regarding your foster son. Perhaps it's a no for now, because he is to be with you and your job isn't done yet! I can't imagine falling in love with your little guys and not being certain of his future. I will pray that you will have peace and joy and KNOW that He will work it out. Blessings

Tanya said...

I started crying as I read this.

But, "He can move the mountain" also immediately started running through my head.

Lillie's Mom said...

I'm so sorry. Grieving with you. And continuing to storm heaven's gates on this child's behalf. We can ask and keep on asking, right? I've read accounts (from the parents themselves) of miraculous happenings in China's adoption history. Things that policy would/should have put a stop to and yet the children are here. Believing He is good and He is able and He is worthy of our praise even if "no" is the final answer, though. Standing on and trusting in His promises of love, plans and provision for this precious little person. Please know that your family's hearts are prayed for as well. I thank you for how you're loving him and teaching him how to love in a million little ways...

Ephesians 3:20-21 (Amp)
Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]To Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen (so be it).

Amelia said...

Sandy, know that we share your pain. I have so enjoyed watching your boy grow these past months. We will continue to pray for God's peace for you and a different outcome for him.
Blessings - Amelia

Ms Barbara said...

Sandy, This is a hard time -I'm so sorry that his staying in foster care is considered preferable to having a permanent loving family. It's just not fair. I hold you all in my heart and send loving prayers.
Barbara

Sally-Girl! said...

It hurts my heart to read this post. I know another family trying so hard to get the orphanage to allow them to adopt a child wtih DS that they have sponsored for awhile now only to keep being told NO, not adoptable. It hurts my heart to know that it took Gracie 6 years to find her forever family and it was only because an American missionary knew her value and worth that we can now call her daughter!!!

I grieve with you!

prechrswife said...

I don't really have any words...just prayers, and (((((hugs))))).

Katie said...

I'm so sorry. :( We've talked about fostering here in SY too, and this sadness you're facing is a reason that I'm hesitant. We're still talking about it though, so we haven't totally rejected the idea. Maybe I'll be able to talk to you about it some time if our paths ever cross again.

TheMaskedSparrow said...

Oh I am sad for you and your family. May God find him a good long term foster carer.

Kim and Greg said...

I read your post yesterday and can't stop thinking about it. I share in your sadness and grief and wanted you to know I'm hoping and praying for your precious little guy! He is such a doll and you're such a wonderful person for taking on the foster role. I'll continue to pray the decision is reversed.

Kathy said...

Sandy, I'm so sad for you, your family and your beautiful foster son. Some things in life are just so infuriating and don't make any sense. This is one of those cases. You have poured so much love and care into this baby, and I pray that he will continue to be so cherished by his future family. You're in my thoughts.

tante ineke said...

I am sad that the sweet baby can't be adopted. I am a child advocate for 2 foster children here in California and am very aware that foster families are not a permanent solution for young children. They are never sure about their future.
Don't give up hope. The situation might change, or one of your blog friends may have a different idea to arrange adoption. It is always helpful to let many people know and somebody might be able to help you.
love tante ineke

Lib said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It really moves me to see how you have opened your hearts to this precious boy, and I also feel grief as I imagine what it's like to love a child so much but to know that he won't be yours forever, and that he might not ever have a permanent home.

I just read a book called "Silent Tears" about an ex-pat American woman who worked in a Chinese orphanage for almost five years. She advocated for many children and fought with the Chinese system for years over one sweet girl who was not adoptable but desperately needed a home. The author's name is Kay Bratt--not sure if you've read her memoir, but she also has a blog. I believe she is still fighting to try and find this girl a home. Anyhow, her story might resonate with where you are sitting right now.

I'm so sorry to hear this and I will keep you in my prayers.

shelshine said...

Thank you for sharing.
Let your hearts grieve...heal.
Conventional wisdom says "Time will heal."
But this little guy...Reality is "you will never be the same."
Comfort and healing for you all.
You have given him so much / what you could / and that makes HIs heart glad.
xo shel

Kacie said...

Thanks for your comment and what a journey you're on! I was in China this past summer doing missions via ESL.... and my boss in that venture has adopted three little girls. I'll keep reading once I'm not at work anymore. :)

Anonymous said...

He is a beautiful boy and I pray that the decision will be revised. Here is the blog of a Down Syndrome girl, who was adopted in Jan 2011
http://graciemaemakes10.blogspot.com/
Maybe this will give you hope.

Blessings,

Carmen from Hong Kong

Anonymous said...

I just came here from EE's blog. I am going to pray for your family and this precious little boy. Much love and God's blessings and care to you and your family!

Sarah@EmergingMummy said...

So much love for you and your family, Sandy, you can't even imagine. I just wanted to pop over this morning because I have been thinking of you all week, praying and pleading and loving you all. Hugs to E in particular. xo

Kristi said...

OH this makes me so sad...
But I will continue to pray. Somehow He will be glorified in this situation...